Dr Perry: | And welcome, glad to have you tuning in. I'm Dr. Mitchell Perry, like to welcome you to the show. This is the Dr. Mitchell Perry show, your how to guide to life. This is where you close down that gap between how you think life should be and how life is. And if you are equipped. |
| To close down that gap. Then you're gonna have the return that will be high on your investment called life. On the other hand, if you're like most people, you're pretty well ill-equipped. Meaning, you've certainly learned a lot in school about reading, writing, and arithmetic. However. |
| Rarely does anybody ever teach you about life, about relationships, about getting along with other people, about optimum performance, about recovery from setbacks, about how to get along with people. And so as a result. |
| Where do you go? Well, you go here every Saturday morning 9 to 11 here in Southern California on the Dr. Perry Show. It's a call in show, and what we do is we talk about multiple subjects having to do with you. You're improving your character. |
| Your relationships, your skill sets. And uh this is a it's a fun way to continually tune yourself up. We're here broadcasting live on KBTA am 1520 here in southern California. Broadcasting Santa Barbara, Ventura, Los Angeles counties. |
| And once again much to my delight I've got run on the boards here. My producer and my partner, this is the Spence man. Spence ah, if you are familiar with um, KBTA, my new. |
| Monday through Friday drive time, Spence does the Spence and Bob Show, which is a combination of news and sports and just downright good times, and also he, uh, produces my show here. Spence, uh, how's things going today? It's the week after we did last week. |
Speaker: | Excellent, things are going quite well. |
Speaker: | Because. |
Dr Perry: | Just having a good time all around. |
Speaker: | Yeah? |
Speaker: | Things are rolling in the right direction. |
Speaker: | And the kids are good? |
Speaker: | Kids are happy, healthy. |
Speaker: | You're, you're healthy? |
Speaker: | Yes, I am healthy. |
Speaker: | You're working out. |
Speaker: | Doing stuff. |
Speaker: | Yeah. |
Speaker: | Taking care of business. |
Speaker: | There you go. |
Speaker: | And, just having fun doing it. |
Speaker: | And, have you had an opportunity to meet Michael Phelps, yet? |
Dr Perry: | Michael Phelps. |
Speaker: | Uh, the best swimmer in the world. |
Speaker: | Oh no, was he around. |
Speaker: | No, I'm just, I know that one of your objectives is to learn how to swim, and I'm always checking in every week to see what the progress is. It's a year later now, and I was wondering if perhaps you wanted to get. |
Dr Perry: | Get inspired to get in the pool by perhaps meeting Michael Phelps. |
Speaker: | I think I have to ah, that, that's my new reason. And once I find him. |
Speaker: | [laugh] |
Speaker: | That will be my step to the pool. That's right ah, Mr. Spitz was not available. |
Speaker: | Mr. Spitz was not available. |
Speaker: | Was not. |
Speaker: | Nor was the Thorpedo. You know about the Thorpedo out of Australia. |
Speaker: | I like. |
Dr Perry: | I like the way it sounds. |
Speaker: | Yeah. |
Speaker: | [indiscernible]'Thorpedo'. |
Speaker: | There's a guy named, somebody Thorp, I forget his last name. But he also, in the Olympics, in the last few Olympics, was a veritable fish in water. And, I think his name was Thorp, ah. |
Dr Perry: | Um, and they called him the torpedo because he was so fast. However, Mr. Phelps apparently has kicked everybody's backside, worldwide, and is the fastest swimmer in the world, ever, apparently. |
Speaker: | Torpedo could be my favorite swimming name ever since rowdy gains. |
Speaker: | Rowdy gains, which is. |
Dr Perry: | Which is ah, certainly different from Rowdy Roddy Piper. |
Speaker: | Yes the kilted one from the WWF. |
Speaker: | You remember? |
Speaker: | I remember all that stuff the figure 4? |
Speaker: | Yes. |
Speaker: | Follow indoor. |
Speaker: | How about this Bobo Brazil, Kinji Shubuya, Freddy Blassey. |
Speaker: | George the Animal steel. |
Speaker: | You remember? |
Speaker: | Yeah, it was. |
Dr Perry: | It was my favorite times. That's when wresting was real. |
Speaker: | Uh, what was it? K, was it KCOP channel 13. |
Speaker: | Mm-hm. |
Speaker: | A Chris Craft station. Dick Lane, uh, Olympics, Olympic auditorium in Los Angeles. I was a little boy. I went to the wrestling matches with my dad and saw BoBo Brazil, Kenji Shaboya, and Freddie. |
Dr Perry: | Freddy Blasy. OK. |
Speaker: | I was in heaven. |
Speaker: | Sergeant Slaughter came into the game a little later on. |
Speaker: | I was in heaven, I thought that this was just terrific. |
Speaker: | It's the best thing ever. |
Speaker: | There you go. Which brings us [laugh] to the subject today. This is the Dr. Perry Show, it is a call-in show, and today I want to talk about. |
Dr Perry: | You somehow routinely shooting yourself in the foot. What I notice is for most people, most preople are pretty well intended. Most of you out there listening generally have your heart in the right spot. Most of you generally want to do the right thing. It's just that most people including. |
| You, probably have some habits, that are very prolific, that are very ubiquitous, that somehow or another are habits that are demonstrated by a lot of the people you hang around. And yet those habits are counter-productive. Those habits are very often a method by which you set your |
| Set yourself up to let yourself down. These are general, sort of interpersonal habits and thought processes that continually undermine your power, or continually alienate you from other people. Or there's this. |
| It's a curious paradox where you really want to be helpful, but actually it makes, it makes it worse. So today we're gonna talk a lot about some obstacles to success. The, the classic habitual commonplace familiar types of habits that you have. |
| I'm reeling the obstacles to your success that get in the way of you doing well. And therefore, they shoot yourself in the foot. And I earlier was talking uh, this week with the Spense-man about the many kinds of habits uh, that uh, people have that are. |
| All obstacles to success expenses oh we got to do that show on this because I think you said Spence something to the effect of well this would really be good because this would remind me of my own ways in which I shoot myself in the foot is that what you said? |
Speaker: | Yes, there is, I think a lot of us do it at, at many levels. |
Speaker: | Yep. |
Dr Perry: | It's only one of them. |
Speaker: | And ah, so you realize if only you would change everything would be fine. You know that. |
Speaker: | Yes. |
Speaker: | Which of course is one of those habits. If only you would change I would be fine. As soon as you change, then I will. So you gotta do it first, which is one of those ah, classic habits. So we're going to talk about classic. |
Dr Perry: | Habits that are, what are called obstacles to success. Your behavior patterns that shoot yourself in the foot that are really qute different from what you intend. And of course, as I talk about these and as you think about these, if you. |
| SG. I have this habit and it continually gets in my way. I keep doing it, how can I get unstuck from it, then give me a call. The toll-free number is 877-34-Perry, that's 877-347-3779, and the way it works is you call up and you get on the air. |
| The way you do it is Tommy back in there in the screening room will take your phone call and he'll find out what you want to talk about, and then he'll tee you up to get on the air with us and uh, If you are absolutley fascinating at which I expect you probably will be then of course I'll be happy to give you uh, one of my. |
| CD's. Ah, we have multiple CD's on jmperry.com. Many of which are all designed to help you improve your skill sets and refine your communication skills. So we'll give you ah, one of those ah, CD's ah, free. To help reinforce the very things we're talking about. So let's start in, obstacles to. |
| To success, shooting yourself on the foot. The, one of the most powerful, and one of the most counterproductive, and one of the most familiar ways in which people shoot themselves in the foot is they play the victim. That. |
| Very popular kind of behavior pattern, playing the victim. As a matter of fact it appears as if there's an enormous population of people out there that are professional victims. Meaning when in doubt it's always them being the victim. And the way in which. |
| In which most people like to play the victim. Is of course poor me or self pity. Poor me, it isn't fair. Why me? You have no idea. |
| No idea what I've gone through. You couldn't possibly understand what I've gone through. Now Spence, I'm sure you've heard people do some form of poor me a lot. |
Speaker: | Correct. |
Dr Perry: | And when people do poor me, you'll notice if they're reasonably close to you if they say see what they did to me and I was really a wonderful person and he did it to me and they did it to me and poor me and how could it possibly happen to me. You know, often that's very seductive. If you care about the person who's playing the victim to you your first impulse. |
| Most often is to want to rescue, to want to be understanding and empathetic and say, see you're right. Look what they did to you and your first impulse is to want to rescue sometimes, I presume, yes? |
Speaker: | Yes. |
Speaker: | And what have you noticed about people in your life that continually feel sorry for themselves? What do you notice. |
Dr Perry: | You're rescuing, every time you try to rescue. |
| Like that, and every time you try to rescue or suggest something, I, I'm going to go to it. |
| The one that you have that's excellent that I always catch on the tuneup and it's the iPods with one of my friends. |
Speaker: | Right. |
Speaker: | You do a rescue and they say yeah but you don't understand this. |
Speaker: | Exactly. |
Speaker: | And yeah,but you don't understand... |
Speaker: | Yeah. |
Speaker: | She does that. |
Speaker: | Exactly, so when you... |
Dr Perry: | You are rescuing a person that's feeling sorry for themselves, you'll notice that it, uh, it always seems to fail. That somehow you always fail to rescue enough. Cuz of course I got something else that makes them want to feel sorry for themselves. |
Speaker: | Uh-huh. |
Speaker: | If you are related to, or have a friend. |
Dr Perry: | Friend whom is very good at feeling sorry for themselves, you'll notice that when they get into that poor me routine, your first impulse sometimes is to want to rescue. Is to say, oh you're right, poor you. On the other hand you may also notice that the. |
| Said people who like to be professional victims, very often want to feel sorry for themselves around a population of people who will actually feel sorry for them. Very difficult to feel sorry for yourself without an audience. And so what I notice is. |
| Is the professional victims generally wanna hang around other professional victims. If you like to feel sorry for yourself, you'll notice it's so much, always so much more fun if you have someone in. |
| It's gonna be, I'm very sympathetic. And sometimes the other person who's listening to you is also a professional victim. So then you'll get into the contest of who's the most depressed person. Now that's kinda fun. You'll get in there and say, oh, do you realize what I had to deal with? And then the traffic, and then the, the prices went up, and then this happened. |
| This happened and that happened and this just this isn't fair. And somebody else will say, oh no, you think you've got it bad, let me tell you about me. And so often, you'll get into this complaint fest that really is a contest of who's the biggest victim. Now, what I noticed is that it. |
| Then it's very difficult, if you like to feel sorry for yourself, for you to actually notice that your feeling sorry for yourself at the time in which you're doing it. It. |
| [indiscernible] When you have a moment of sanity to look back at your behaviors and say you know you're right I feel sorry for myself a lot. So let me give you some examples, If you do feel sorry for yourself, or examples if you know someone with whom you are involved who likes to feel sorry for themselves. And then we'll talk about a. |
| Not alright. If this happens, I feel sorry for myself or I know somebody who does this a lot in their professional victim and I want to be helpful. I want to figure out some other new way to deal with this person, then give me a call: 87. |
| In 734 Perry and I'll give you some ideas on how you can stop it in yourself and replace it with better behavior. Or you can stop it in someone else. Now here's some examples of the classic poor me. They did it to me. |
| He did it to me. She did it to me. They did it to me. Poor me. You see what they did to me. And I'm just a wonderful perfect perfect person and they did it to me. Or, the um, I'm just a fat person. That's just me. I've always been fat. That's the way I am, you know? And I. |
| Oh, and I just can't lose weight. And so I just am a fat person and, and you should really care about me, not the way I look. You know that whole notion of I'm just a fat person, I guess that's the way I've always been. I have fat genes, I have big bones. I'm just a fat person. Or I'm. |
| I just can't seem to make enough money to get by. I just can't seem to get anywhere or I'm unattractive or I'm unlucky I'm just one of those unlucky people it's just there's some people that are lucky and I'm just unlucky. They're so lucky but poor me I'm unlucky or I'm uneducated I never. |
| Never finished school. So, therefore, I'm a, or I'm just a working person. I hear that a lot. I'm just a working person which of course I'm thinking to myself, okay what am I? Am I a loafing person? Or I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time or I just have low self. |
| Esteem. I just have low self-esteem or countless other things that somehow say I'm a victim. I'm a professional victim. Poor me. You should feel sorry for me. It isn't fair. Why me? all the time. You couldn't possibly understand what I've gone through. Now we're gonna take a short pause. We'll be right back. If this sounds familiar, I'd be interested. |
| Interested in hearing from you, if you know someone who does this, and you want to overcome their victim behaviour, it's very popular, this fashionable kind of professional victim, er, we're going to take a pause, we'll come right back following these messages, then I'd like to hear from you. 87734PERRY. Are you a victim? Do you know someone who is a victim? |
| Along as a victim, let's get unstuck from this. I'll be right back. [sound]. |
| [sound] |
| [sound] |
Speaker: | Every week you hear Doctor Perry on the radio talking about relationships, communication, and self improvement. But how would you like Doctor Perry to focus on your relationship with your partner? Well now you can. Doctor Perry has taken his years of experience working with hundreds of couples around the world and created a CD that gives a road map on how to keep your relationship happy and healthy. It's called The Marriage Couple Tuneup, and it's available to you know. [sound] |
Speaker: | Those of you who. |
Dr Perry: | Those of you who are married, think about your spouse, there are times in which you are around, either home or out in public. |
| Look, you're doing whatever you do, and you're around your spouse. And there are occasions now that reminds you that once again your spouse is suffering from a temporary episode of brain damage. To put it in another way, your spouse is doing something dumb. How many of you have ever watched your spouse doing something dumb? The rest of you are lying. [laugh] Now those of you who have ever watched your spouse doing something dumb, I'll be willing to bet you that at that very moment you had an impulse. And the impulse is to offer your spouse unsolicited advice. When you have that impulse you have a tape that plays in. |
| [sound] Plays in your head, and the tape is on a loop and it sounds something like this. How fortunate my spouse is to have me once again, because my spouse apparently is having trouble breathing and thinking at the same time. I love my spouse. My spouse needs me. |
| Beats me, and fortunately I do have best practices available to be delivered just in time. And so I'm going to offer the gospel according to me, and my thousand chorus needs me, and that will be perfect timing. How many of you know about that tape? Those of you who have been married for 5 years. |
| 5 years or longer you still, I bet, when your spouse does something dumb, and you have that impulse, respond to that impulse and deliver the advice. How many of you have received a thank you note? [laugh] [sound] |
| Now you know what's so funny. Because you know very often when you deliver the advice, it's pretty much right on schedule that you get lift off from your partner. And do you ever say to yourself, you know, maybe the way I've done this is just a little bit counterproductive? Maybe I have to approach my spouse differently. Because obviously, empirically, this is working very poorly. Do you ever say that? No, no, no, no, no. What you say is, my spouse is really dumb now. Because I just gave my spouse the answer. You know what's so funny, is we keep doing what we think should work. As opposed to what works. |
Speaker: | In a humorous and a. |
Dr Perry: | [sound] and insightful way, Dr Perry gives you the key elements to understanding and enjoying a functional and successful union with your partner. It has a track record of accuracy and originality and has delivered wonderful results over and over again. Get the Marriage and Couple tune-up CD today for only $19.95 by calling 800JMPERRY that's 18005673779 or visit him online at jmperry.com [sound] |
Speaker: | And now back to your host, Dr. Mitchell Perry. |
Dr Perry: | Mitchell Perry |
Speaker: | I read the news today. Oh boy.. [sound] |
Speaker: | Ooo, bet you're wondering how I knew.. [sound] |
Speaker: | I got the news [sound] |
Speaker: | Let's go to the headlines for what's the news and what's the lesson with Dr. Mitchell Perry [sound] |
Speaker: | And what is the news, what's the lesson. |
Dr Perry: | The lesson we're on till our regular spot here of talking about what's in the news that seems to be consistent with what we're talking about on the Doctor Perry Show. And we've been talking about, are you a victim? Are you playing a victim? Do you deal with people who are victims? Which brings us perfectly right on schedule with the latest. |
| The story about Heather Mills. The ah, person who is getting a divorce from Paul McCartney. Apparently in news.com it says Heather Mills could loose custody of the daughter Beatrice by virtue of her very public displays of being a professional victim on. |
| National television radio news uh, news uh, media. Now what Heather Mills has done of late is she has gotten on to the Today Show. And, and the equivalent of that in British TV. |
| Countless other television shows recently and started whining and complaining about somehow he has been so awful, Paul, and he has been such a rotten person and she's a perfect person and she's been somehow mistreated and when for example on the Today show. |
| Show. Matt Lauer said you know Heather, as you think about the last several years of being with Paul, is there anything that you done for for which you have regret, that perhaps you wish you could have done something differently? His intent, of course, is to see if, if there's anything on her radar that would indicate. |
| Would indicate that she has contributed to the problem so when asked by Matt is there any thing that you do that you regret or anything that you do that somehow makes you think I could have done that differently, her answer was absolutely not, no he's done it to me he needs to concede that it was all his fault. |
| And I'm a wonderful person, and how could he treat me this way, and if only the news people would quit hounding me and let me live my life. Wah, wah, wah, poor me, poor me, poor me. Now this is clearly an indication of a person who's very good at feeling sorry. |
| Sorry for herself, who's very good at blaming everybody else, who's playing a professional victim. And ah, in, in addition to her remarks ah, ah that she said on the Today Show. She said, I'm not looking for sympathy, which, of course indicates that she's clearly looking for sympathy. And apparently all of these displays combined. |
| With uh, getting very teary and talking about wanting to kill herself and all that kind of stuff would indicate that in addition to being a professional victim and also wanting to blame everybody but herself, she of course is now considered to be less than stable as a parent. So what's the lesson here? The lesson is that. |
| One: people who are professional victims, sometimes are overachievers, and they want the entire world to somehow feel sorry for her, and get together with her to blame him, for them, or whoever it is. Item 1, item 2, the ongoing message that says. |
| [indiscernible] A wonderful person and see what they did to me is a message that get's pretty old and number 3 very often professional victims end up alone, why? Because the solution here is to look in the mirror and take a look at 2 things. 1. |
| Take a look at your own behavior and how you've enabled yourself to get in the position in the first place. And second to remember that if you are going to improve your condition, your relationships, your state in life, then understand the only person you've got control over is. |
| To yourself in the first place. Therefore, if they, he, she did it to you, then you probably enabled them to do it to you. Which means that, if you're going to change the condition, you're much less likely to get results out of them changing. |
| In their behavior, you're gonna get by far better results out of you changing your behavior. So Heather, I really recommend you look in the mirror and rather than deciding that somehow you're victimized by this horrible person Paul Mac Courtney, what you might want to do is take a look at how you contributed. |
| Your own problem. Cuz absent learning that lesson, even if you do get a ton of money and you walk away from this marriage you're probably gonna do some from of the same thing again in the next relationship. Professional victims are very good at being victims. Translated, they're very good at getting in situations where they become victimized. |
| Victimized. So the last thing is pull yourself together, look in the mirror, and decide to grow up a bit. Take responsibility for your behavior, because now it's up to you to quit whining and start solving, and stop complaining. I'm Dr. Mitchell Perry and we're going to be right back following. |
| Messages, after which we'll continue on with obstacles to success. How are you gonna overcome these habits of shooting yourself in the foot? We'll be right back. [sound]. |
| [sound] With a girl like you. Girl, I would love everything that you do [sound] |
Speaker: | There are some people that you can talk to and immediately convince them to do exactly what you want and then there are others who you have a very hard time getting through to. Frustrated!, Frustrated!Not any more. Find the solution to your communication issues by going to jmperry.com and ordering the CD'Access Codes'. Dr. Perry gives you a complete step-by-step guide on how to recognize individual preferences for clear, accurate and easy communication. At jmperry.com you learn the 10 basic. |
Dr Perry: | Basic access codes that will give you the communication breakthrough you need. Using access codes helps you persuade others. Gives you the tool. |
| Rules to be an effective leader and promote teamwork. |
Speaker: | [sound] Go to jamperry.com. |
Speaker: | Learn to adjust your communication style to increase business. Remember, to get people to do what you want you must present it in a way that is important to them. You'll be amazed by the results. |
Speaker: | Go to jamperry.com. |
Speaker: | Access codes teaches you to talk to people the way they need to be spoken to. Access codes, available now at jamperry.com. |
Speaker: | Go to jamperry.com. [sound] |
Speaker: | There are millions of sales people out there in the world. |
Dr Perry: | World and many of them are selling the same thing you are. so, how do you separate yourself from the rest? In a CD, world class selling, Dr. Perry takes you through what he calls the psychology of selling and gives you the 5 most important things that you need to know to become a world class seller. Find how why companies such as Microsoft, Visa, Accenture and many others hire Dr. Perry to train their sales people. Log on to jmperry.com now and find learning materials for world class selling, referrals and access codes. These are the tools you need to truly be a world class. |
| [sound] World class seller. Remember, people hate to be sold stuff and love to buy stuff. Your job is to create a condition in which they want to buy. Learn how to do this by visiting JMPerry.com. Or, call 800-JMPerry. That's 1-800-567-377. |
| 79. J.M. Perry Learning Technologies. Leveraging human performance. A loser says nobody knows. |
| A winner says, "Let's find out." |
Speaker: | A loser says, "There's no other way, that's the way it's always been done." |
Speaker: | A winner says, "There's a better way to do this." |
Speaker: | Losers talk about what is not there, compensate for their weaknesses and describe the problem. |
Speaker: | Winners encourage innovation, creativity, capitalize on their strengths and solve the problem. Dr. Perry has spent many years developing a program that teaches you how to be a winner. You can find this information on jmperry.com entitled "Road to Optimism." This is the same training that has helped the most successful executives around the world for thousands of dollars a day. |
Dr Perry: | There's a day, and not it is finally available to you in CD, MP3 and DVD form. To order visit jmperry.com, or call J.M. Perry Learning Technologies at 800 J M Perry. That's 800-567-3779. Are you a winner or a loser? This is your life and it's up to you to decide. J.M. Perry Learning Technologies, leveraging human performance. |
Speaker: | The doctor's in and ready to talk to you. [sound] |
Dr Perry: | Call 87734 perry. That's 877-347-3779. [sound] |
| [sound] And we're back, we're talking about poor me. We're talking about obstacles to success. The shooting yourself in the foot behavior. Or how do you deal with people who behave that way. Now, you'll notice. Spence, we were talking a little white ago about people who are professional victims. |
| [indiscernible] Poor me all the time, see what they're doing to me, how can you do this to me, poor me, you have no idea what I've gone through. You've encountered people like that, and very often people like that are exhausting because they'll suck up. |
| Other room, and it's particular difficult and fill, it, it fills you with conflict. Because on the one hand, when you deal with somebody like that you anticipate feeling exhausted. On the other hand the conflict is what if you really care about that person? So now you really care about somebody who's playing a professional. |
| Have you ever had somebody you care about say something like, you couldn't possibly understand what I've gone through? You ever heard that? |
Speaker: | I used to say that. |
Speaker: | You used to say that! |
Speaker: | I was one of them. |
Speaker: | All right. Well, let's play it out. I'm gonna show you how to handle somebody who does that routine. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna play right now. |
Dr Perry: | Let's say something like, let's suppose you're my brother, and you're going to say, look, you know, you couldn't possibly understand what I've gone through. And I'll show you how to handle it. You ready? |
Speaker: | I'm prepared. |
Speaker: | Go. |
Speaker: | [cough]. After all I've been through, there's just nobody, especially. |
Dr Perry: | You could never relate to what I've been through and there's, there's just no way you could understand. |
Speaker: | Well then I guess if I'm unable to understand we uh, can completely avoid talking about it then. |
Speaker: | But I hope you'd have enough understanding. |
Dr Perry: | Confused, 1 you're telling me I'm unable to understand and next you're telling me you want me to understand. |
Speaker: | I would like to explain it to you. |
Speaker: | Oh, so you do want me to understand. |
Speaker: | Yes. |
Speaker: | Okay, so, uh, is, there, are you there for. |
Dr Perry: | That I, in fact, am perhaps capable of understanding? |
Speaker: | I guess you are. |
Speaker: | All right. So, let's start over. Shall we? |
Speaker: | Let's start again. |
Speaker: | [laugh] Now you'll notice, what did I do just then? What happened? |
Speaker: | You took me out of the game so if I won. |
Dr Perry: | I'd have to definitely come in with a different angle, because. |
Speaker: | Exactly. |
Speaker: | Starting the way I started you just say okay, What else you want to do today? |
Speaker: | Exactly right. So that's one of the ways you deal with someone who says you. |
Dr Perry: | Possibly understand what I've gone through. You just simply say, well, if I'm unable to understand, I guess we can uh, offload talking about it. At which point now you're either gonna have to change your behavior or we're done talking about it. Either way, it's gonna be more healthy. Which brings me to another form of behavior that. |
| People do to you, or you do to others called pouting. Some of you are good at pouting and sulking. Now ah, I've certainly been good at pouting and sulking in my lifetime. Because how do you get through elementary school without it? On the other hand if we're grownups, if some how or another we're on the. |
| Illusion chronologically that we might want to have our maturity match our age. [laugh] Then, then we probably want to have more effective ways of dealing someone, with someone who sulking and pouting. Now what happens alot in your marriages, or in your special intimate relatonships, is. |
| Someone you are involved with is going to pout and sulk and what they do is some form of what's called of silent cold treatment. Now silent cold treatment where of course the person you are involved with wants you to eat crow and they are unwilling. |
| Tell you what they're upset about, but they do wanna watch you eat the crow. So basically they do some form of the following. They say something like this to themselves. Well, I'm hurt and cut to the bone. See what you did to me? And I want you to pay. I want my pound of flesh. |
| I want my bucket of blood from you, and I'm unwilling to tell you what the problem is because I really want you to suffer. And so what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna do silent call training, which is a form of, I'm going to, one, put on, put on my hurt puppy face. Two. |
| Two, I'm gonna refuse to talk about anything. Three, I'm going to sigh, and four, I'm going to look at you with disdain. So it looks like something like this. [sound]. Now, has anybody ever done that to you, Spence? |
Speaker: | Yes. |
Dr Perry: | Now do you notice, when they do this silent cold treatment, you notice it works, either some or much of the time. Because, right on schedule, if I do the silent cold treatment [sound]. |
Speaker: | What's wrong? |
Speaker: | Exactly, so right on schedule is designed to manipulate you. |
Dr Perry: | Do in the saying what's wrong. Now the routine usually works something like this. The person who's hurt does the sigh then you say uh, what's wrong. Then they say, there's nothing wrong. Then you say, oh come on, will you please tell me what's on your mind. And then. |
| Milks it for a while, and they say, look, I told you, there is nothing wrong. I'm fine. Now, you're completely seduced. |
| Sucked in to the manipulation to have you pursue them to find out what's wrong. So that they continue to say there's nothing wrong. You ever been in that one Spence? |
Speaker: | Yes. |
Speaker: | Okay. And what happens at the outcome of that one generally? How does that work when you're seduced in to continually? |
Dr Perry: | Ur what's wrong? |
Speaker: | It's very circular it seems. |
Speaker: | Yeah. |
Speaker: | It's what's wrong [indiscernible]. |
Dr Perry: | Oh, come on, there must be something wrong, you would. |
Speaker: | Right. |
Speaker: | And it just keeps following, so there's, you never even get to where you're going. |
Speaker: | Exactly. |
Speaker: | But you end up talking for an hour. |
Speaker: | [laugh] Well that's right. Now you'll notice sometimes what you'll do when you say, is something wrong? Oh please tell me, we, you know, you gotta talk about it. Sometimes she'll put the nail in the coffin and she'll say. |
Dr Perry: | Look, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you. Right? |
Speaker: | Yes. |
Speaker: | Okay. Would you like a little method by which you can stop that program from happening on you. |
Speaker: | Let's do it now. |
Speaker: | Alright. It is a 2 step process. |
Dr Perry: | You wanna do. So when she is doing the. |
| No, I'm fine there's nothing wrong. Now notice the more she does that, the more you're seduced into pursuing finding out what's wrong, which if course means she has power and you're being driven nuts. Agreed? |
Speaker: | Agreed. |
Speaker: | And the outcome is usually um, just more and more frustration. So if you. |
Dr Perry: | You wanna stop that from happening this is what you do. The next time she does the silent pouting, sulking, cold treatment thing, unwilling to talk about it. Step 1, you look at her and you say hey honey, you're doing silent cold treatment. Step. |
| Is get out of the room as quickly as possible. |
| All the behavior from her will be something other than silence. |
Speaker: | Wow. Now. |
Dr Perry: | By the counterproductive behavior that she's doing, the silent cold treatment. She's gonna feel busted. Right? |
Speaker: | Yes. |
Speaker: | So at first she's gonna feel embarrassed and. |
Dr Perry: | And then she's gonna get angry. Either way it's gonna be something other than silent. Which means that what you can do now is say, look, here's the deal. If you're upset and you wanna talk about it, let's talk about it. If you're upset and you and you refuse to talk about it then I'm done, I'm done. |
| In around you and as soon as you want to talk about it come seek me out and I will talk to you about it. At which point, you gain power back and she is unable to do the manipulative routine. The, see how is works? |
Speaker: | Yes. |
Speaker: | And understand that when she is exposed, when you say hey your doing something. |
The Dr. Mitchell Perry Show: Common Sense 101 airs Saturdays from 9:00 am - 11:00 am (Pacific) on KVTA AM1520. It is a little bit reasoning, a little bit education, alot of laughs, and a whole lot of fun! Every Saturday morning Dr. Perry takes calls LIVE on his radio show on everything -- including relationships, business advice, personal growth, and the ever popular... "Common Sense is very Uncommon!" 
Strength of Character
